


Transparency

by heeroluva



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-18
Updated: 2014-08-18
Packaged: 2018-02-13 08:46:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,598
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2144397
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heeroluva/pseuds/heeroluva
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve can't sleep. Loki continues to surprise him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Transparency

**Author's Note:**

  * For [SevlinRipley](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SevlinRipley/gifts).



> This takes place at an ambiguous time post Captain America: The Winter Soldier and Thor: The Dark World. I hope you enjoy it!

Nights like these where Steve can’t sleep, his head too full of memories, of endless images of blood and violence and far too much death, he ponders about the state of his life, about what brought him to where he is now. Not even Loki’s presence, the press of him against Steve’s back, Loki’s arm flung over Steve’s waist and hand resting against his bare stomach can calm Steve’s churning thoughts.

Sometimes Steve wonders what the world would think if the world really knew who he was, what he’s done, rather than propaganda, the tales of a shining hero that the media prints. They see him as Captain America, the righteous, the protector, the savior who can do no wrong. They don’t see the soldier, the war that he fought in, the deaths he’s caused, the blood on his hands. They don’t see the man who’s lost in a stranger world, a man out of time. They don’t see how hard he fights to hold his tongue at times, to not tell the world exactly what he thinks of it, that this isn’t the world he fought for, that his men died for.

Steve knows better than dwelling on the past, on what he lost and can never have again, but it doesn’t stop his mind from sliding in that direction. Seeing Bucky again, shockingly alive, the achingly familiar face with the eyes of a stranger that held no recognition, no warmth, had broken something in Steve, and he was helpless against the flood of memories it unleashed.

The search wasn’t going well. With HYDRA outed, SHIELD in shambles, and the intelligence and defense communities busy pointing fingers and less than willing to play nice with anyone connected to the organizations, Bucky had well and truly slipped through the cracks and disappeared like the ghost that he’d been named. It hurt, that Bucky was out there and so damaged, that despite all of Steve’s strengths, he was powerless to help him.

And then there was Loki. Steve knows that he can ask, that Loki would help, but he also understands that unless offered, Loki’s help always comes with a price, and Steve doesn’t want to think about that right now. Steve would agree to anything. That’s where the problem lies, so it’s better to not ask.

Despite the months they’ve been together, the first impromptu night turning into a series of them, then into mornings where neither of them snuck out before the other awoke, and finally into the occasional days spent in each other’s company, Steve still feels like he’s barely scratched the surface. The worst part though is that Steve knows better than to trust Loki, knows better than to give into the temptation, but he can’t help himself. He wonders what it says about him that it’s a heady feeling, being with someone he can’t hurt even if he tried, with someone who had the capability to destroy him.

In truth, Steve doesn’t care about the media’s reaction if his dalliance were revealed. Even with the awareness that it would destroy his reputation, sometimes he considers it, the freedom that it would finally offer. He’s so tired of the politics. The only thing that’s stopping him is the reaction of his friends, though sometimes Steve isn’t sure he has a right to call them that anymore, not since he began sleeping with the enemy.

Steve tries not to dwell on Loki’s motivation. Not once has Loki asked Steve to betray his friends or people, though Steve is conscious of the fact that his silence on Loki’s whereabouts is a betrayal in and of itself.

Loki’s fingers suddenly pressed into his stomach, and Steve holds his breath, hoping that his lover was still sleeping, not wanting to face Loki’s all too perceptive eyes because he had a knack for knowing when Steve’s thoughts took this path and was far too good at distracting him. Steve doesn’t want to be distracted.

“Your thoughts are loud tonight,” Loki says as he tucks his chin over Steve’s shoulder.

Letting out the breath, Steve forces himself to relax as Loki’s fingers trail over his hip. “Just memories,” Steve says, the half-truth easy to admit. It’s far from the first night that Steve hasn’t been able to sleep. These night are almost better than those that leave him sweating and gasping from the terrors that his mind weaves together. The nights that Loki awakes in a similar fashion are almost a relief, knowing that Loki is not so far removed from humans to be able to experience such a thing. As much as Steve wants to ask, he doesn’t ever dare.

“Not ‘just memories’,” Loki finally says and suddenly pulls away.

Steve turns over and watches as Loki rises, unabashed in nothing but his skin as he strides towards the wall of windows that frame a spectacular view of the city.

There’s a strange tension in the air that even Steve can’t miss, and he’s afraid to break the silence less something shatter.

“Each choice I make, every action, every word is carefully measured. Except with you. I am not Thor to be ruled by passion, by my desires and urges. Yet, when I saw you, I wanted you, and it was a craving that would not be denied. Had you spurred my advances, I would have appeared to you in another form. In fact, I expected it. Imagine my surprise when you welcomed my attention,” Loki says, voice low, but he may as well have been shouting.

Steve remembers that night. There is no way he could ever forget the shock of seeing Loki alive and apparently well or at the offer he made. “I shocked myself.” And he had. Steve hadn’t meant to agree, the words falling from his lips before he’d been cognizant of the thought, and once he’d said them he hadn’t wanted to take them back. He’d wanted to give into temptation. Just the once he’d promised himself.

“Just once, I told myself.”

Steve draws a startled breath and meets the eyes’ of Loki’s reflection in the glass.

Loki turns, pale body glowing almost ethereally in the backdrop of city lights, a strange smile on his lips. “You and I are not so very different in that. Once was not enough, and the more I had of you, the more I craved you.” Closing the distance between them, Loki settles into the space between Steve’s spread thighs.

Steve hisses his displeasure but doesn’t fight it as Loki suddenly fists Steve’s hair and wrenches his head back, their eyes locking.

“What is it about you that makes make me question myself, that makes me hesitate? Why are you, Steve Rogers, so different from any of those mortals out there?” Loki questions, gesturing towards the windows.

Steve closes his eyes against the intensity of Loki’s stare because, really, what can he say to that?

“What makes you so special?” Loki demands, fist tightening in Steve’s hair before abruptly letting go and turning away.

Before Loki can go far, Steve catches his wrist. “No one ever said love is logical.” Loki goes impossibly still, and Steve realizes exactly what he just said. He’d truly never thought about it, never even considered it (avoided the idea completely if he was being true to himself), but now that the words are out there, Steve doesn’t want to take them back. It certainly hadn’t started that way, but Steve would be lying to himself if he were to say that he wouldn’t miss Loki if he were to exit Steve’s life.

“You’re a fool,” Loki finally says, back still to Steve.

Steve smiles wryly. “Very likely.”

Loki looks over his shoulder, his face serious and his eyes suddenly ancient. “You’ll live to regret this.”

Rising to his feet, Steve pulls Loki into his arm, buries his face in Loki’s neck as the sudden need to hold him hits Steve. There is pain there, old pain, but Steve won’t ask, not now, maybe someday, but not now. Maybe Loki was right, maybe he would, but, “I can’t live my life worrying about regrets. I don’t know the future any more than you do.”

Loki give a strange laugh, thick and wet and though he was crying, but when he pulls back his eyes and face are dry. “Just when I think I know everything there is to know about you, you continue to surprise me.”

Steve smiles at that.

Loki raises a hand, and a slip of paper appears between his fingers; he offers it to Steve.

Brows furrowed, Steve takes it. Despite regularly seeing Loki’s casual use of magic, Steve is still awed by it. Unfolding the paper, Steve notes that it contains an address. “What is this?”

Loki’s hands cup Steve’s cheek, and he nuzzles into it. “Go find your friend.”

Startled blues eyes meet amused green. “Bucky,” Steve breathes in disbelief. “How?”

Loki’s eyes crinkle deeply at the corners as his smile widens. “Do not worry, my dear Captain. I do not have to read your mind to know your thoughts.”

“Why?”

Leaning forward, Loki brushes his lips against Steve, a light kiss that somehow expressed a startling amount of emotion. “Somehow your happiness has become paramount to me.”

Loki steps back, and Steve suddenly finds himself fully clothed. It’s a strange sensation.

“Run, you fool,” Loki orders. It’s not an insult this time, his voice full of affection.

And with Loki’s blessing Steve does just that, heart feeling lighter than he can recall it being in far too long.


End file.
